A little on the outside

Have you ever been in a situation when you're with people, but you still feel lonely? Like, you're there, but you don't feel included? Sometimes this is due to the people you're with, but mostly you don't think they're being deliberately exclusive, but more that you can't shake the feeling of exclusion?

I'd like to think that this is something we've all experienced at some point in our lives. I certainly have. At school, at uni, not all the time but enough to notice it.

I know that there are probably far more scientific or psychological theories to apply to this 'feeling', but I'm going to blabber on with my own opinion anyway. I believe this 'loneliness' of sorts begins in our heads, and expands to become reality as we convince ourselves it is real. Do I make sense? So I suppose I mean that it begins in a lack of self-confidence, and if we don't take steps to rid ourselves of it, people get bored and what was originally a made up loneliness becomes a reality.

I personally am someone who's feelings towards myself can vary from day to day- one day I feel quite worthless and the next I have lots of proactive plans to better myself. Irrespective of the cause of this, it's something which, although it never feels like it at the time, I have some control over. When I make effort with people and it's not reciprocated, for example, it's very easy to feel disheartened and defeatist, but it's important that I don't give up, and instead find the place where my effort is recognised.

I'm not meaning to imply that we should all let people walk over us, not at all. I think one person who really helped me to understand that my 'little on the outside' feeling wasn't just me, was author Marina Keegan, who sadly died before her collection of essays and short stories 'The Opposite of Loneliness' was released. Her book was definitely the best thing I read in 2015, for many many reasons. However the title itself demonstrates the feeling which, reversed, creates the feeling of being on the outside. Loneliness of a sort, I mean she does say that is what the 'belonging' feeling is the opposite of after all, but it's more than that. Just as belonging to something, or at least feeling like you belong to something, gives you a warm, fuzzy, included feeling, the opposite can make you feel cold, empty, or excluded.

In terms of taking the steps I mentioned earlier, I think the main one is not to let the feeling fill you up. Get outside, meet people, have experiences and make memories. For every time you feel on the outside of something, there will be several times you can feel valuable. From now on, when I'm sitting along reflecting on how 'on the outside' my stupid mind is making me feel, I will try and remember 3 times I was feeling 'The Opposite of Loneliness". Secondly, I know it's cringe, cliché and obvious, but don't let the feeling change you., If you're feeling excluded, most of the time an attempt to change yourself will make no difference because, as I said, the exclusion isn't real but a result of an unfortunately low level of self esteem at that time. After arriving at University I wrote a post called "I'm Just gonna 'do' me"  which discussed my resolution to stick at being myself and developing my own personality, as opposed to trying to be someone else. And the majority of the times, this approach has worked for me. I've made lots of friends who know me for me, and that's what makes me even more sure that my occasional lapses in self-confidence are not about who I am but about feeling a bit low.

I know that this has become quite ramble, but I hope I've been able to demonstrate that I realise that simply making an effort to participate and to  be included doesn't guarantee the former, fuzzy 'opposite of loneliness' feeling, but that when we get the opposite feeling of standing on the outside of a circle, recognised but simultaneously unable to pierce through the circumference, that we remember that it doesn't last forever, and it isn't true loneliness, but a feeling which we all get from time to time.