Going Solo

If I'm being totally honest, I'm not really sure where this post is going to go, but it's based upon an idea I've wanted to turn into a blog post for a wee while, so I'm just going to keep typing and see what happens....

On Monday, I had a violin exam. It was (only) Grade 6. I put only in brackets not because grade 6 is an achievement that should necessarily be looked down upon or thought of as an 'only' kind of grade, but because really for the time I've been playing I should be further ahead than Grade 6. But I'm not, so I might as well not worry about that too much.

I'm just going to make this very plain: I really do not enjoy music exams. In fact, I don't enjoy anything which requires me to play my violin solo.

Basically, I'm not confident in my playing and that is for one main reason: I don't practice enough. But also, violin does not come naturally to me and isn't something I can just do with ease- it takes a hell of a lot of work which I do try and carry out but yeah, my practice throughout the year hasn't been sufficient.

The other reason I hate exams, and auditions, is because I get overwhelmingly nervous. Even when I try and be confident and calm, the nerves usually take over. When I'm that nervous, I falter and stumble and, in most cases, my head goes blank and I can't remember the almost 50 scales and arpeggios I was supposed to remember....

I think I'm actually going to keep this post reasonably brief because Monday's experience is still fairly raw and it suffices to state that IT DID NOT GO WELL. If I pass, I may die from shock.

But the main point in this post was to determine why going solo is so hard for me. I guess I love to play in orchestras because I can hide behind everyone else. If I can't play a part, I just mime and hardly anyone notices. I try and learn it but I'm not as good as everyone else so I just do my best to keep up! But I enjoy the feeling of being in bands and orchestras, I'm even going on tour this week in Germany with my orchestra!!! Bu as soon  as the conductor threatens to make us play a passage solo, my heart is in my throat and I panic. I just panic.

My music teacher has been great, trying every possible method to help me control my nerves, but to be honest I think it's something to tackle on my own. After an exam and an audition a few years back, both of which had me leave in floods of tears but still pass, it would have been so easy to give up and never do an exam again because what's the point, if it makes me that stressed and worked up?!

But I'm not a quitter and I had really wanted to leave school with a music grade which reflected as close as possible my ability and potential. That's now looking unlikely, which is what has got me down, but I've just got to pout it behind me now.

If anyone reading this is a performer of any sort and has any advice for me or wants to share their stories with me I'd love to hear in the comments. Perhaps from now on I will stick to my groups and bands and orchestras but I don't want these experiences to ever hold me back in life, I want to have to self-confidence to, if necessary, go solo.

Catriona xx